Is it even worth it anymore

You’re not here for a 'just because' or a 'whatever' shrugging shoulder moment. You’re here because there’s a secret mission hiding in the murky depths of your broken heart.

Under the moss-covered slimy woods of oak, behind the web-filled corners of departing twinkle, outside the false security of your wilderness refuge, she - your mission - surrounds you like a dense fog in your gloomy mist.

She hums recklessly in your soul. Her words, thoughts, dreams and goals - they beg and they plead, furiously clawing to free their shackled roots.

She knows you better than you do. She loves you more than you do.

She's the real you. The chosen you. The anointed you. The “she is called mighty and limitless” you.

She knows how majestic you are and wonders why you can’t see it!

"Please see what I see!", she begs.

"Please share your voice and beauty with the world! We need you!"

But it’s not until you seek her, will you find her.

Or, maybe, like me, she finds you first.

More days than not I question if it's worth it: worth the fight, the stress, the depression. And I know better, truly, I do, but the pain is often unbearable and unshakeable. There is no release, no relief, just continued heartache and tears.

How much longer do I have to keep fighting? How much more do I have to go through before I start seeing the light? How much more poking and prodding, heat and pressure can I take before I bow in surrendered defeat?

I don’t go through moments like this too often but I’m just so broken, so hurt, so confused, so unsure, so tired of fighting, so tired of being the one trampled on, so tired of being used and abused, so tired of being treated like I don’t exist and I don’t matter, so tired of trying my absolute hardest to make my life better and being met with fierce opposition at every doorstep.

I take one step forward and ten steps back.

Is it all in vain?

When.. when will it end?

Or will it ever?

The one thing that I would, without hesitation, give my life for, is the one thing I can’t have. No matter how hard I try, I can’t change another person, so I’m the one to suffer, and, more importantly, so are my children.

I’m human and I’m weak, very weak right now. I’m struggling with the whys of life and can’t make sense of any of it. It’d be easier and more comforting to hide under a rock and talk with worms or dig a hole, crawl in it and eat snails than to continue feeling like this.

I know I’m not the only one, but that fact alone offers me no comfort, no promises, no answers, and not even a heartfelt explanation.

But her.

There she waits, patiently, with grace and kindness, desperately pleading from the depths of your soul, tugging gently at your spirit, whispering, “Hey darling, you’re still here, you really are! Please don’t stop now. Your spirit may be broken and continually crumbling at your feet but you’re mighty and limitless, remember? That means nothing can hold you back, no one can hold you down. You can rise up at any time. So arise, my beauty, arise! You’re worthy, so worthy.”

It’s her, her unconditionality, her undying love for you, her voice… that’s why your life is still worth living.

She’s alive! You’re alive!

Just go, she says, just go, “I’ll guide you exactly where you need to be.”