You're The Light, The Glow, The Magic

I never really wanted to fit in - I was the loner in school, the tall girl, the outsider, and the one who friended other outsiders or "throw-aways" as the bullies would label us, the band geek, the girl who only dated the seniors - the older guys - if I dated at all. I was the quiet one that everyone thought was just stuck up. I spent more time with my rifle and mastering my 7s than I did with people.

I didn't know my voice back then. I had one, sure, but it wasn't vocal, it didn't speak unless spoken to. I just smiled, did what I was told, and didn't think twice. To further settle my do-as-you're-told compliant fate, when I was 14, having just finished my first season of drum corps, I was recognized as rookie of the year, given an award for doing just that "smiling and doing what I was told."

Bravo me. Rah, rah, rah.

Then marriage slapped me awake and divorce slapped me even harder. Then planning my suicide, an unexpected pregnancy, and years of living in an emotionally barren wasteland of grief and loss, even harder still. Talk about not fitting in - I was now the golden achiever of all crowns for this one.

I lived in shame for years because of that. I was different, my life was different, and I didn't want anyone to know just how different it really was. Besides, it hurt too much, having to retell my story to new strangers over and over again.

All I wanted was to fit in, to be like them, to have what they had, to wake up to what they woke up to, to laugh and feel joy the way they did. Why was that too much of an ask?

They didn't live with dark clouds that suffocated them because if they did, we would resonate, right? We would be drawn to each other. We would speak the same language. But we didn't. And I was just there, wandering about in left field, festering in the debris of my own destruction, alone.

Because I was different.

For years it felt that 'different' was my downfall, my kryptonite, the thing that would keep me from pursuing and finding my own happiness. If I wasn't like them, how could I ever be like me?

But I was wrong.

Living a different life and speaking a different language made me different. I wasn't like the others - I saw differently, spoke differently, walked differently, and was just different. There was no fine line anymore. The gap had widened, the valleys too vast to conquer. I just didn't know about the gap until it found me.

And that's where you are, too - different. Formed from a different cloth, fashioned after a different breed.

If we're not careful, that truth will stab us repeatedly, creating feelings of isolation and unworthiness. We start feeling like outcasts, rejects, grade-A second-class citizens.

But we're not. We're exactly the opposite.

We're the light, the glow, the magic.

The spice, the curiosity, and the radiance our world needs.

The hope, the guidance, and the difference that our world needs.

I encourage you to push from your depths, from your inner ground. Find and celebrate your difference. If you don't know where your ground is, take the time to find it. Then heal it and reveal it. It's important that you do and that we keep doing it together.